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Weekend Wrap Up 5/20/12

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1. The countdown is officially on for my vacation. I’m not doing shit! I’ll spend the first week of June laying poolside and enjoying the sunshine. (with my luck, it will rain all week)

2. I’ve decided that, if the grocery business doesn’t work out for me, I could have a future as a male escort. Who wouldn’t want to pay for my company?

3. Number 2 was a joke. But the other number 2 is not a joke…. Ever.

4. Never trust a sneeze (refer to number 3)

5. I know I’ve said it before, but I must repeat this. Just because it comes in your size doesn’t mean you should wear it. I think everyone should have a full-size mirror in their house so they can see what they look like before leaving the house.

6. I need some diversity in my life. I do the same thing everyday. It’s hard to have a social life with my working hours. Someone needs to talk to the asshole who writes my schedule …. Oh wait! That’s me. (and who are you calling an asshole? )

7. People always make fun of my bathroom quirkiness. Here’s my secret (that everyone already knows) : I’ve got to be 100% naked to take a number two. I don’t know where this stems from but it’s real. When I say must be naked I mean it. I can’t even have a bracelet on. If I’m wearing anything my body won’t cooperate with me. I’ll be all stopped up and that’s no fun.

8. Because of number 7, I can only poop at home. I can not ever poop in public. You’ll never catch me using a stall in a public place (besides to pee, because no one likes a pecker checker).

9. Insomnia is my most recent nemesis. I lay awake for hours every night thinking about nothing and everything all at the same time. What kind of tricks do you use to fall asleep every night?

10. Nope. That’s it. I’ve got nothing else for you.

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