So many days I sit around, waiting on things to get back to normal. Deep down I know that normal will never happen again. Things can’t go back to how they were. Nothing I do can possibly bring my Mom back. She was one of a kind. No one will ever fit in her shoes (she hated shoes! She loved her flip-flops and slippers).
I keep finding myself thinking about all the little things. I was stopped at a red light and I though of her. When we were really little she had me convinced that she could control the traffic signals with magic. I went to lunch at her favorite place and I though of one specific trip there we had (I’m not going to tell that story, she’d kill me!). The smallest thongs have been giving me the biggest memories. I’m so thankful that I still have them. They are priceless and I treasure them.
I miss having her call me to ask what I was up to. I miss stopping by her house after work and shooting the shit. I miss asking her how she was feeling. I miss her griping at me if I didn’t call her by 5. I miss her smile and her laugh. I miss her voice. I miss my mommy so much that I can’t really put it into words. No one could possibly fill the gaping hole that’s now in my soul. I’m no longer complete. People tell me that this gets better. I don’t buy that. If anything, it gets harder everyday. I can’t imagine living another 50 years like this. I’m sure I’ll cope but I hate it.
Sorry for the downer post, I just needed to write.