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Disconnected

Somedays I wish I had an off switch. I wish I could disconnect from all of my emotions and feelings. I have days when the pain is unbearable. I just want it all to stop. Somedays I’d gladly give up happiness to be through with sadness. I don’t know that I’d be missing a whole lot. It’s not that I’m always unhappy, it’s that I have far more sad days than I do happy. At the same time, I can’t imagine what it’d be like to be empty. I do feel empty sometimes. I feel like I’m wandering around in the dark am I don’t know which way is up. It’s not all the time, just sometimes.
I thought I was getting better. That I was beginning to heal and to move forward. I went a long time without feeling alone. Over the last week that has all changed. I have had moments here grief has hit me like a sack of bricks. I don’t know why. I can escape it, even in my dreams. I’m haunted by my memories. I’m tormented by dreams where the last 6 months never happened. It’s physically exhausting to cry all night in your dreams. But I should count myself lucky that I get to dream at all. I’ve had many nights where I stay up until 5AM staring at the ceiling; thinking of nothing in particular. People keep telling me that it will get better. I believe that less and less as every day passes. I tell myself that I’m okay and that it will be okay, but deep down I know that’s bullshit. Nothings okay. It’s not getting any better. I don’t want to accept that this is how life will be now, but deep down I know that this is it.

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