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My Pity Party

Most of the time I find it impossible to sort out the thoughts that run through my head. I can hardly hold on to a single emotion. Am I happy? Am I sad? Is today going to be as bad as the last? These are serious thoughts I have every time I wake up. I constantly battle my emotions. I want to be happy. I want to feel safe and secure. I want to just let go and be free. I just don’t know how. I am always so lost. I don’t know what to do or where to go next. I do the same things day in and day out. I have nothing. I put on a happy face and I smile, pretending everything is okay. I’m not sure who I’m trying to fool, everyone around me or myself? I live in my own mental misery. I even dream in misery. Last night I dreamed that I was crying all night. I woke up more exhausted then when I went to sleep. I can’t even hide from myself in my dreams.
I don’t want anyone to think I’m ungrateful for what I have. As lousy as things have been lately, I know I am a fortunate man. I’m not hungry, I have a roof over my head and a family who loves me. I know I’m lucky but it’s hard to feel that way sometimes. It’s easy to feel sorry for myself. But it sucks.

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3 responses to “My Pity Party

  1. Bob Jones ⋅

    Eventhough we know what we have; as human beings we seem to dwell on what we’ve lost or don’t have. For me it has always been focusing on others that lessens the misery. I can’t say it will work for you; just that it works for me. It gets my mind off my difficulties and focuses my thoughts elsewhere. And usually the people I end up focusing on are those worse off than myself. Like you said, i’m not hungry, a roof over my head and friends and family. Your friends are all there for you! Call if you need someone to talk to. I’ll send you the number if you don’t have it!

  2. Pam ⋅

    Josh, I know it is rough to loose a mother! I to lost someone very incredibly special to me on the 28th of October. Every day was hard at first, than it seemed to get alittle easier. (I’m not saying it doesn’t suck still), but I find that if I talk to her, I keep her with me. I don’t blame her for going, she had an incredible fight, I just think she is very fortunate to be in no pain, no suffering.
    I had to go through terrible back surgery on Dec 9th. I had spoke to her about it. She said she would pray like she never did before. Even though she was not here in body, I know she was looking over me, helping me. She gave me strength to get through it.

    I would like to have fallen to pieces after the funeral, but I made a conscious choice that I was going to live, be the best person she would want me to be. You need to stop laying in the funk of it all! Stand up, be the fine young man your mother expects of you. Think about what she would say to you if she was here. Talk to her, let her know how you feel.
    If you find you can’t get pass it, maybe you should seek some professional help. There are mental health specialist everywhere. They can charge on sliding scales, if you don’t have medical. Maybe medicines would help you “get through”. It doesn’t mean a lifetime of medicines, just alittle relief from the heartache.
    Talking and expressing yourself to your friends will get tiresome to some. You need to start making improvement in your grief.
    I don’t know you, but I was just really concerned about your well being. Please keep writing, talk to your mom, she can gently nudge you in the right way, you just have to be able to listen to it. God speed my friend!

    Pam

  3. Josh

    Thanks Pam and Bob. I do appreciate the advice and encouraging words. That’s for being concerned.

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