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The light (at the end)

I’m really turning into a miserable person. I’m not nice, I’m not fun. Why anyone likes me is a mystery. How can someone like me when I don’t even like myself? It hasn’t always been this way. I used to be my own best friend. I’m far from that now.
I used to be fun. I used to be easy going. I used to have a light heart and was carefree. That’s gone now and I don’t know why. I’m not Me anymore. When I look into the mirror I don’t like what I see. I don’t mean that in a superficial way. I don’t like what I see in my eyes. It’s like all the light is gone. It’s a vacant sight. It really freaks me out.
I think so many things have helped to get me to this point. My job is a big part of it. I’m not satisfied with all the bullshit that goes on there. I’m not gonna get specific here but things are not right there. And I know it. I allowed myself to get in thus position and I just sit back and take it. It frustrates me to no end. I used to be stronger. I used to take ‘No Shit’. It’s not like that anymore. I just roll over and give in. It’s easier to go along with everything. There is no point in fighting. It is what it is.
I also think I lost a lot of myself when I lost my Mom. There isn’t a minute that goes by that I don’t think about her. I actually started to text her the other day! That really pissed me off and broke my heart.

I know I’ve talked about this before , but I must find a way to escape this funk. Antidepressants only help so much. I need to take action and reclaim myself. I need to be selfish and take care of ME. It’s time to stop feeling sorry for myself and do something. I just don’t know what something is suppose to be. I’m still searching. It’s going to be okay. I’ve always believed that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Question is, how long is the tunnel and what is after the light? Another tunnel? Darkness? Who really knows? I won’t pretend that I do. I know nothing really. But, like I said, I’m looking.


2 responses to “The light (at the end)

  1. Bob Jones ⋅

    Hey guy! You’ve experienced a lot of loss in a short period of time. Give yourself some time. It took me a long time after my divorce to get back to who I had been before. You lost your mom, Sylvia and I being right there, and how much more I don’t know; but you have to give yourself permission to grieve AND (as Sylvia told me) permission to get on with the rest of your life. I’m here if you need someone to talk to.

  2. kristyne ⋅

    Joshy, if u need to talk, vent, cry, or just sit on the phone with someone, u can call me. I mean it. If u need to get away, even for a day or two, you are always welcome to come here to get ur mind off of things, even if it is temporary. its a four hour drive, but u may need time away.

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