I’m really turning into a miserable person. I’m not nice, I’m not fun. Why anyone likes me is a mystery. How can someone like me when I don’t even like myself? It hasn’t always been this way. I used to be my own best friend. I’m far from that now.
I used to be fun. I used to be easy going. I used to have a light heart and was carefree. That’s gone now and I don’t know why. I’m not Me anymore. When I look into the mirror I don’t like what I see. I don’t mean that in a superficial way. I don’t like what I see in my eyes. It’s like all the light is gone. It’s a vacant sight. It really freaks me out.
I think so many things have helped to get me to this point. My job is a big part of it. I’m not satisfied with all the bullshit that goes on there. I’m not gonna get specific here but things are not right there. And I know it. I allowed myself to get in thus position and I just sit back and take it. It frustrates me to no end. I used to be stronger. I used to take ‘No Shit’. It’s not like that anymore. I just roll over and give in. It’s easier to go along with everything. There is no point in fighting. It is what it is.
I also think I lost a lot of myself when I lost my Mom. There isn’t a minute that goes by that I don’t think about her. I actually started to text her the other day! That really pissed me off and broke my heart.
I know I’ve talked about this before , but I must find a way to escape this funk. Antidepressants only help so much. I need to take action and reclaim myself. I need to be selfish and take care of ME. It’s time to stop feeling sorry for myself and do something. I just don’t know what something is suppose to be. I’m still searching. It’s going to be okay. I’ve always believed that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Question is, how long is the tunnel and what is after the light? Another tunnel? Darkness? Who really knows? I won’t pretend that I do. I know nothing really. But, like I said, I’m looking.