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Things on my mind.

I’ve had tons on my mind lately. I have been so wrapped up with things I just can’t control. I have been terribly overcome with grief and I’ve been doing my best to hide it. I don’t like to feel this way. I hate being down and depressed but I just can’t help myself. I hate having Christmas shoved in my face everyday. I guess that’s unavoidable in retail but still, I hate it. I doesn’t feel like Christmas without my Mom. She was a lot of fun this time of year. I just can’t get ‘in the spirit’ this year. Nothing feels right. It feels empty and cold and I just want it all to be gone. I keep telling myself that once I get through the holidays and into the new year I’ll be okay. I don’t think I honestly believe that. I’m never going to be okay. I’m just gonna learn how to get by. Things will never be the same again. It’s not possible………and honestly, I don’t want to do any of this ever again.

I’m so thankful that we finally got the C.O.D. back. It had been bothering me since the day we lost her. It’s brought some sense of completeness and peace to me. I hated not knowing what happened and if I could have helped. I know now that it was nothing that I could have prevented easily. But knowing what happened makes me look at myself. I need to take Cade of myself so that this doesn’t happen to my family again. I know that I could possibly have heart issues in the future because, apparently, it runs in my family. At the first if the year going to have a physical and I’m going to do whatever I need to do to be healthy.

I am sorry that all my latest posts have been me complaining about my life. That’s not my purpose of this blog. The purpose is to let some of these thoughts off my brain and to help myself through it. It helps me to put my thoughts into words so I can look at them and really think about them. Eventually, I’ll stop feeling sorry for myself. But right now this is what I need.

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