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Okay, I’m pretty sure I’m cracking up. This isn’t really a new development. It’s been coming for a while. I’ve retreated into myself. I hold all of my emotion in, until I feel like I’m going to explode.
I want to be strong. I want to be there for all my family and friends. I just need some sort of consideration that I am not okay either. Everyone is looking to me to tell them that it’s going to be okay. I can’t do that because I’m not positive that things will ever get better. I have dozens of people telling that this will get easier. They say they’ve been there and they know it will be okay. Bullshit. You have no idea! I know I’m not the only one to lose my mother. But no one shared the relationship that we had. I believe that a mother has a very unique and special relationship with a child and I don’t believe it’s ever the same for anyone else. Both of my sisters are grieving. They are both grieving differently. I don’t know their grief. I can’t. They had something else with Mom that I can’t even comprehend. But they don’t know my relationship with her either. In my opinion, no one really knows what I’m going through. No one knows how truly broken I am. I’ve lost my best friend. I miss being able to call her and ask what’s up. I miss Bitching to her when I had a lousy day. I miss hanging out and laughing. I miss so many things and no one will ever be able to even try to fill her place. I have a hole in my chest that will never be healed. I’ll carry this pain until I die. I have just got to learn how to deal with all of it. I’ve tried ignoring it. I’ve tried being strong. Nothings working. I don’t know how to lose myself in these emotions and really let it all out. I constantly want to scream and break stuff. I want to destroy something and let my rage out. I can’t do that though. I have to be brave and face this. I just need to learn how.


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