I’m not totally sure what to write about. I do have a lot on my mind, I’m just unsure of what I want to share.
I’ve had several people suggest I talk to a grief counselor. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I know people are worried about. Many of my friends know how close my mom and I were. She was 100% my best friend. I trusted her completely. She was always there for me no matter what. I’m having a hard time dealing with her being gone. It doesn’t feel real. I keep waiting to wake up and things to be normal. I keep waiting for a phone call from her. I just want to talk to her. Tell her how much I love and need her here with me. I know that she knew exactly how I felt. I have always been proud to be a mamas boy. I will be until I die. No one can even compare to her in my book. But people are worried about me because I’m so quiet about it. I know I’m holding my pain in, hoping it will go away. I just can’t face this. I’m not ready. I dont know how to. I’m so confused. Im broken. But I know I have to pull myself back up. I have to be strong no matter how hard it is. I can’t let this destroy my life. I need to learn to accept what I cannot change. I need to trust in the Lord and let him heal me.
Through out all of this I am so proud of my sisters, aunt and Grandma. Erin has been that rock for me. Not a replacement but a lifesaver. She’s there, everyday, texting and calling to see if I’m okay. My Aunt has texted me nearly everyday to tell me that she loves me. Chelsea is being stronger than I am. I’m proud of my tough Lil sister lol. My grandma has been so strong for us. She’s had her stuff together this whole time but I worry about her. She is a strong woman but I see her pain. I feel it and it tears me up. And Rhonda has kept my busy, making me have fun and keeping me occupied. I don’t know how she’s done it because I know she’s really hurting too.
I think blogging will help me grieve. It will be a way for me to say what I’m feeling and let it out. I thank all of you who have stopped by this blog. Thank those of you who called or reached out to my family. Thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers. We will be okay but keep praying.