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Out in the open

I have had a lot of things on my mind here lately and I just didn’t really want to go there. This post may not be fo everyone. I’m not posting to be mean, I’m posting because I need to get this out of my mind. Please don’t read this if you don’t really want to hear it.

1. I can’t figure out how I can be one of the most important people in a persons life one day and the next not even rank in the top 10. That really really hurts. It makes me constantly question myself. What did I do wrong? How long have I been this low on the ‘list’? What could I have done differently? Do I really want things to change or do I even want my old life back? Deep down I know mist of these questions. Really, almost all of the things I know are my fault in many ways. There are things I could have done differently but I don’t real think it would have made a difference.

2. Here lately I’ve been kicking my self in the ass. Why did I fuck my life up? I’ve always had people tell me that I have potential. I just don’t see it anymore. I’m good at many things but I threw my future away in highschool. I never took it seriously. I should I tried harded. I should have gone to college. Because I didn’t, in stuck in my job. It’s really not a bad job. I just live with this constant idea in my head that I am way better than thi job. I can do so much more. I’m being held back and I can’t control that but I should have gone to school. I fucked up. It’s that simple. Pay Less Is my only responsible choice. I make okay money, I’m good at my job. I have great friends from there. I just have no good options with out an education.

That’s really what’s on my mind. I feel better saying it. It’s not easy putting myself out like this. Thanks or those of you who stop by. I appreciate it.


4 responses to “Out in the open

  1. stacey ⋅

    you are awesome! don’t let anyone ever tell you different!

    if you are not at the top of their list they are stupid! It is their loss not yours!

  2. Becky ⋅

    You know how I already feel about your potential. You know that if you are truly interested in pursuing college that it is not too late. A friend from my church went to AU – through the Adult Learning …. the cost is MUCH cheaper than the normal tuition. (not sure how much cheaper, but he is married with 2 children & his wife has been a stay at home mom up until about 1 1/2 years ago.)
    And as far as being in a dead end job- it scared the living daylights out of me to leave PayLess after having 23 years in …. scary!!! But there is life after – and it is not too late!!
    And of course, though I feel like I am harping you on this- The hospital still needs good people…. : )
    I see that potential in you that you are not seeing….

    Take care of you!
    I am praying for you as you are going through this tumultuous time of life.
    YOU are a special young man!

  3. amy ⋅

    you have always been at the top of my list, thats why we have kept in touch for so long! you can always return to school, maybe get a buisness license or something. you are young and an exceptional person. please dont evedr forget it, i will always be here for you. no matter what 🙂

  4. jen ⋅

    You know what, Josh. You may think that you are better than your job. That’s usually right. We are all better than the jobs we do. That’s why they pay us for our time.

    It’s the stuff you do after your job that really counts. it’s the work you do in your “real” life that satisfies you. I say, you can do anything you want to even without a college degree. You can volunteer at it, or you can hobby it, or whatever you want. Most people just stumble through college anyway, if they don’t know where they are going to end up.

    I say, experiment with your life. Try new things. Hell, try being a volunteer fireman for shits and giggles. Maybe you’ll like it. maybe try something else…

    all the best!

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