*Warning*- this post is probably going to be quite mopey.
I feel like the word ‘what’ is a reoccuring word in my vocabulary right now.
What do I do?
What if we were wrong?
What if I just try harder?
What if I am the only one trying?
Also, the word ‘why’ has been thrown around a lot too.
Why did it get like this?
Why didn’t I try harder?
Why didn’t she try harder?
Why does this have to be so damn hard?
Amd then I wonder: Do I want to try to fix this? Am I the only one wondering that? Am I just being an idiot?
These are all of the things that go through my head when I have more than a moment to think. It’s the worst before bed. I cany shut it off. And when I do finally slip into lala land I dream about it. I can’t escape. I know I need go stop feeling sorry for myself and heal. But I think it’s impossible go heal while living with her. It just hurts too bad. At times it feels like nothing has changed and that we are great. And then reality hits and I’m all depressed again. I just don’t know what to do. Moving into my moms house just isn’t aa option I ready for. Too muh drama and bullshit. Can’t save money fir my own place because I’m helping with these bills. Then i wonder, do I want to go? Is this what I really want? I need answers to these questions! I’m half way crazy at this point. What do I do?